Lois & Clark's Wedding is Cancelled; It Must Be Saturday

Attempt #1: Spring 2011
After the Superman exclusive (oh, and the whole saving the world from Apokalips thing), Lois decided it would be better to postpone the wedding for a few weeks. After all, Clark wanted to help with the immediate clean-up. Apokalips' approach had created some weather disasters that only he could handle. The League dealt with "lower" level clean up, if billion-dollar infrastructure repairs and looting could be called lower-level. Watchtower had her hands full coordinating the planet-wide operations even with Tess' upgrades. Lois would have helped but she juggled the media circus around Superman and the League, riding the upswing of support to undo the VRA's harmful propaganda.

However, after the worst of the mess was taken care of, the tide turned against the League once more. Fingers pointed and their little band of misfits had to work even harder to overturn the VRA laws, even with the President's backing. After all, Superman had admitted to being an alien; how could the people of Earth be sure he wasn't the cause for Apokalips? Then Ollie was called in to identify Tess' body. They couldn't possibly get married so soon after her funeral. A few weeks later, Kara still hadn't shown up and a new mission began to find her. All the while, Lois moved into her new office and tried to keep Clark from being fired for absenteeism by declaring him her research assistant.

By the time, Lois and Clark managed to get a full night's sleep along with a sit-down dinner, it was Christmas. Santa gave them 24-hours off to sleep.

Attempt #4: Summer 2012
The appearance of Princess Diana of Themyscrira, a nation unheard of for three thousand years, created a world-wide political maelstrom. Despite assurances of political neutrality and a declared mission of peace, the UN called on Superman to monitor Princess Diana while the nations examined her motivations.

The cattier gossip in the League at the time would have one believe Lois was jealous that her "crush" might have a crush on someone else. Lois was not, in fact, jealous. She bought the Official Diana of Themyscrira Dartboard as a sign of support.

Attempts #5-9: Fall through Winter 2012
Captain Cold froze the entire Midwest. The EMP used to dismantle his machine created a glitch in Metallo's control chip. He rampaged through seven states in three days, renewing public interest in some sort of meta-power registration act. Pro-meta media such as the Star City Register and the Daily Planet waged war against pro-registration bastions, the Gotham Gazette and the Coast City Times. Lois and Clark clocked in too many overtime hours to think about weddings.

Attempt # 10: Spring 2013
Clark was sent to the future to help the Legion.

Attempt #11: Summer 2013
Bomb on a bus.

Attempt #13: Summer 2013
Twenty-eight weeks and thirty-pounds into her pregnancy, Chloe made them swear on the souls of their absent parents (biological and adoptive) that they would not get married while she was, quote, "big around as Lex Luthor's ego and twice as oily," unquote. Aghast, Clark had immediately promised that he'd do no such thing and, additionally, she wasn't at all like that; she glowed with the fecundity of the miracle of life. Lois caught Chloe's punch in mid-swing.

That was twelve weeks and four days ago. Chloe still hadn't given birth much to her distress. She finally consented to a Cesarean section when Emil pointed out that her meteor-mutation might have affected her ability to undergo labour. With Cyborg manning the League, Superman, Lois Lane and Impulse waited outside the OR as Green Arrow and Watchtower received their bouncing baby boy. They named him Roy Harper, after the Led Zeppelin song.

Clark thought they could have the wedding soon after Roy's birth. He'd even been looking forward to buying the baby a tiny tux. But they all soon realised how time-consuming babies could be. Sleep-deprived, Chloe and Ollie couldn't fathom travelling to Metropolis for a wedding with a baby. Anyway, Ollie's brain had double-clutched around Week Thirty, when Roy flashed his little penis at the 3D ultrasound technician. Chloe went through bout of post-partum depression where she could barely roll out of bed.

Mia pulled the family together. In her senior year of high school, she ran the household, co-ordinated League missions on weekends, ensured Chloe followed her therapy and convinced Ollie that there was no need to single-handedly make all of Star City completely crime-free, pollution-free, harm-free, organic and free-range. Lois and Clark agreed the wedding could wait a little while longer.

Attempt #14: Fall 2013
Missile silo take-over from Toyman and Marionette Ventures.

Attempt #18: Spring 2014
Lois joined UN troops as an embedded reporter. The assignment would result in her second Pulitzer nomination (her first one being "Superman"), third bullet wound and umptieth rant from Clark to start wearing head-to-toe body armour. Yes, even to their wedding.

Attempt #20: Fall 2014
Clark got amnesia. Again.

Attempt #26: Spring 2015
An unusually early and devastating tornado and hurricane season.

Attempt #29: Summer 2015
Roy's kidnapping made headlines world-wide. For the first time in public knowledge, the FBI worked with an extra-legal organization, the Justice League, to find him. Lois painted the League's actions as another part of their commitment to world-aid. Her investigative series spanned topics such as missing children trends, the effectiveness of the Amber Alert System, and psycho-sociological motivations behind celebrity kidnappings. All the while, she tried to convince Chloe to sleep between shifts at the Watchtower. Clark did the same for Ollie.

Just when they thought they should sedate their friends for their own good, someone named Oracle hacked into Dinah's comme-link with information from Gotham City. Gotham City had long been a black-out sector for the League on legal and extra-legal terms. Gotham's resident guardian, the Batman, was very territorial. So it was with caution that Superman, Black Canary and Green Arrow entered the city limits.

Gotham was like entering Earth-2. Hopelessness clouded the sky almost literally. Clark flew off a dozen times to intervene in criminal acts, all within a thirty-minute span. By the time they met with the Batman, he ached to fly above the cloud cover, needing the physical and emotional recharge from the sun. Batman met them on a shadowed rooftop.

"The League of Assassins has your son," he told Green Arrow.

"The who what now?" Dinah asked.

"Where--" Ollie started to say but Clark interrupted him.

"We're here about Roy Sullivan-Queen," he said.

"Avenue X at Cicero. Bring more back-up." Batman turned to leave.

Clark rushed to confront him. "Where are you going? Why don't you help us?"

"This is your mess in my city. I have other things to do."

"More important than the life of a child?"

"One child with a dozen meteor-freak guardians." Near the horizon, a containment ship exploded. Green-blue smoke formed mushroom cloud over the bay. "Go. I'm busy."

Clark had to let him go because Ollie was already racing for the location. He charged Dinah with Ollie's safety while he raced to collect other League members. He, Bart and Zatanna reined Ollie long enough to cobble a plan together though at one point, Clark had to threaten to kick him out of the mission if he couldn't work as part of the team. It was only after Ollie finally had his sweet little boy back in his arms that he realized the irony that particular conversation.

Attempt #34: Winter 2015
Lois got amnesia.

Attempt #35: Winter 2015
Thanagarian invasion.

Attempt #36: Winter 2015
Checkmate used the Thanagarian invasion to push a Metahuman Monitoring Force. They targeted younger metahumans including Conner and Jaime. The League rescued the teenagers from MMF's holding cells which were, for the most part, quite comfortable. The only exception was Conner's cell with its kryptonite-laced bars. Seeing Conner gaunt with pain, Clark wanted to seriously hurt someone for the first time since Alicia Baker's death.

Attempt #38: Spring 2016
John Corben crashed the wedding. Although they eventually discovered his control chip had malfunctioned (again), it was too late. A furious Lois had already gotten to him. By the time they wrenched her off, he was a soiled, gibbering mess. Inexplicably, Clark disappeared with Lois soon after, rather than helping with the clean up as he usually did.

Also inexplicably, the residents of #206, #209 and #205 2318 Main St each called the Metropolis PD to report a wild-animal attack in Unit #207.

Attempt #41: Fall 2016
Clark Kent went deep undercover as an Intergang member four months longer than planned.

Attempt #43: Summer 2017
By this time, Lois and Clark's attempts slowed down not due to disinterest but because of an understandably deep fear that making any plans would jinx them. They tried to sneak to the courthouse during their lunch break but Plastique blew it up.

Lois began to look into common-law marriage certification.

Attempt #45: Spring 2018
Bomb in an elevator.

Attempt #46: Winter 2018 through Summer 2019
A powerful earthquake and a deadly plague struck Gotham City at the same time. The federal government declared it No Man's Land. While Bruce Wayne and Diana of Themyscrira solicited the nation's aid, Batman reluctantly allowed the League access to various escape routes through the city to help any refugees. Ollie and Dinah stayed in Gotham to help Batman's team. Clark and Lois barely slept, seeking ways to overturn President Luthor's initiative. The sleepless nights resulted in a joint investigative piece connecting the initiative to Luthor's undeclared shadow companies sweeping up Gotham's now-tanked real estate.

Lex Luthor became the third president to be impeached.

Attempt #47: Fall 2019
Eaten with guilt over his affair with Dinah during No Man's Land, Ollie filed for divorce. Chloe took six-year-old Roy and two-year-old Cissie back to Metropolis to live with Lois and Clark. For a good week, they took turns distracting the kids outside the apartment while the other sat with Chloe as she devised ways to castrate Oliver and ate Ben & Jerry's entire repertoire of ice cream flavours. Needless to say, this was not the time for a wedding.

Attempt #50: Spring 2020
"Fiftieth time's a charm, right?" Clark quickly knocked on their very solid, twenty-year old, cherrywood office desks.

"Hey, I had all the papers filled out for common-law but someone kept misplacing the stamps," said Lois.

"We should celebrate. Mom's retiring, Chloe and Ollie are back together, Conner's graduated from college. Last meeting, I think I almost saw Bruce sort of smile maybe in a way if I squinted. I think it's a good omen."

"It's a shoe waiting to drop."

He dropped a kiss on her nose. "You're so beautiful when you're cranky."

Lois folded into his arms, eyes closed, breathing in the lovely Clark-scent of ozone, sunshine and laundry detergent. "If anyone-- and I mean anyone-- interrupts this wedding, they will suffer heretofore indescribable degrees of pain. I mean it. They'll have to create a new adjective for it. I'm so sick and tired of planning this stupid thing, I'm actually throwing up."

"So I heard this morning." He placed a hand on her forehead. "Maybe you should take something in case you're getting a late flu."

"I don't care if I have ebola; we're getting married today."

"Yes, ma'am, Ms. Lane." He leaned back to x-ray her just in case. "Is it your stomach that's bothering y--"

"Yeah." When Clark didn't respond, Lois opened her eyes. Her boyfriend was pale. Sweat beaded on his forehead. His breathing was shallow and rapid. Quickly, she surveyed the room for kryptonite. "Stay put, Smallville. I'll find it."

"No!" Clark grabbed her and cradled her in his arms. "No. Don't-- You shouldn't-- Just. Don't. Move." He was so adorably wide-eyed that Lois figured a little post-afternoon-doughnut-pre-happy-hour nookie should be in order to make sure they were nice and unstressed for the wedding. She worked at his fly, bemused by his inaction. "Hello there, Clark Junio--whoa!"

With a resounding thunk, Clark toppled backwards on the floor, bringing Lois with him.

"Oh my god, Clark!" She straddled him, slapping his cheeks as hard as she dared without breaking her fingers. "Clark? Are you okay, sweetheart? Talk to me, Clark. Clark?"

He blinked. "Lois?"

"Yes, baby, it's me. Do you remember your name? The date? What's the square root of forty-seven multiplied by the distance between Star City and Metropolis?"

"19,915.676613," Clark replied. He blinked again. "Lois?"

"Smallville?"

"We're pregnant."

~fin~